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so that means i'm going to have good luck

today...

:P

whatever...

because of that stupid, delicious burrito,

now all i can taste is onion...and my java

is double strong...i need a cig to wash the

onion away...and yet, as it say it, i'm sure

there's a better way to clear my breath...

:)

***

how's that for motivational?

can't you just imagine my aggression

therapy seminars? yes, beat the shit

out of that punching bag, yes, imagine

that it is the face of your enemies, or

yourself if you're feeling masochistic...

give in to the hate...

and then let it go...

:)

***

so, no word...no news is NOT

good news...no news is just no news...

stuck here in the dark...getting only

junk advertisements for jobs...do i

sound like a moron???? do you really

expect me to believe a legitimate job

offer expects me to get my credit report

before they will interview me?????

really?????

sick, some people are just sick, preying

vultures...i want to email them back nasty,

nasty things...sometimes karma is not

swift enough...

****

having to clean the bathroom is

the cruelest aspect of my adult life...

where are the trained monkeys i was

promised so long ago...

***

but i keep trying to keep it in perspective...

little old man says you're life doesn't suck...

look how well i'm doing...aren't you happy?

doesn't that make you feel better?...

well, no, to be totally fucking honest, you're

success is not in any way shape or form a

reflection of me...so no...it does not, in

and of itself, make me happy...

but you are sooooooooooo right about

my life not sucking...it truly doesn't and

the guilt i feel for being depressed does

nothing to lighten my mood either...

they killed a man in georgia, and he may

have been innocent...now THAT is some

shitty business...my lack of job and blow to

my ego? the most pussy whining i can

conceive of...but beating the fuck out of

myself isn't the pep talk i need...how can

a person be so wrong about how to deal

with themselves? i don't respond to a hard

core drill sergeant approach from other

people, why should i expect it to work when

it begins internally? that is a sincere wtf

moment, eh?

:)

why won't i let myself be happy? why can't i

shut my mother's voice out? why is the shitty

voice in my head always hers? it's not fair to

her...she did the best she could, she didn't beat

us...and her mother was an even worse mother..

but both ladies seemed to lack the emotional

equipment...they are fine people...not great,

but functional and not malicious...as mothers?

they both sucked so much, they likely should

have come with warning labels...

:)

so i sit here in my pity party haze, working up

the effort to send out more resumes, begging

in private, for a job, for faceless someone to

not reject me again...the internal monologue

going and going...you suck, you suck so much,

why are you even trying this, who's going to

hire you, you suck, you suck so much....

*****

something funny? she's gotten so used to me

griping all the time, that i seem to want to

go out of my way to seem waaaaayyyyyy more

well-adjusted to this situation than the last

time...i keep saying all these utterly healthy

things to her like, "well, i can only do what

i can only do, can't let it get me down", "just

got to keep my head up", "it could always be

worse"...blah, fucking blah...i don't believe half

the garbage coming out of my mouth, but i'm

so hell bent on shoving it in her face that i've

GROWN as a person, but the truth is the

whole time, i'm lying...i'm am soooo feeling sorry

for myself that i'm really hating to be alone

with me, but i feel like i'm bad for others, so

where do i go, but back to mother...so, i'm faking

a totally healthy attitude to piss her off...

how screwed up is that? i feel like i'm in a

nora ephron novel, except i don't think i'm a

likable character...

:P

so, i've decided to play all the as-yet unplayed

tracks on my itunes...i've discovered a literally

mountain of duran duran...i feel mildly

uncomfortable listening to tracks i've never

heard before...i got so used to being familiar...

***

i have a confession...i really like the movies

under the cherry moon...

and

xanadu...

and the song, brandy, by looking glass

***

ha, ha, ha...

doesn't that make it sound like it

might be something?

something other than a tuesday...

i'd like to thank all those god-awful

90's sitcoms where the protagonist

typed their crap diary rehash on to

their computer...

every time i sit down to type in

this fakakta journal...

:)

"i got 99 problems

an' they all bitches..."

i know i shouldn't, but that line

makes me giggle...what is wrong

with me??

***

writing a thank you email, post-interview...

this is horrid...in fayettenam, i was asking

for too much money...here, there are

literally 1,000's of peeps with the same

skill set, just varying degrees of experience,

the pool of applicants for any job i apply

for-administrative assistant, legal secretary,

general secretary-is more like one of the

great lakes than any pool i've ever swum

in...

sheesh...

***

i want a squidilly spooch...if i had one, it

would be the organ that controlled my

self-destructive behavior...a little self-destruction

is okay, see that's what the path of life

is, a movement toward your eventual

destruction...or end at any rate...so my

squidilly spooch obviously is just a little

out of wack, but not entirely...the key to

fixing my squidilly spooch--ah, now there is

the question that must be answered...

***

sometimes the no's are very heavy...

:)

yeah, i've been giving it a shot,

the daily cleaning list, the kids, taking

care of the bills, cooking...god (or whoever)

help me, i think i like it...it does make me a

little squirrelly, what with the lack of interaction

with anything that doesn't have four legs

and leave fluff balls of fur, toby tumble weeds

we call them, and the constant urge to keep

things pristine...NOTHING stays pristine,

not even if you put it in a box and lock it away,

time will still tear it apart, break it down...

the weight of time...except i don't feel like

several lifetimes would be enough for me to

get my fill of living...there are too many different

lives to be lived...to much food to eat, to

much to refrain from...too much, i need more

time...but who am i trying to negotiate with?

pretty sure the christian god has more and

bigger on his plate than my whine about time,

(or at least he should, but i've always had my

doubts about his time management and

project prioritization skills), if there's a karmic

wheel, i've got to be the only ninny saying,

put me back on! i'm not done yet!...

***

anyway so, it says anti but i think i really am a

pro...it's time to take back the occupation of

housewife!!!

she ran the domestic bits of the castle! she ran the plantation! she ruled the home with her

running of EVERYTHING! she was in control,

and even though no one would admit it, she

RAN that house!!! sometimes to the point of

exhaustion...

but at any rate, i'm sick of housewife being a

dirty word, sick of my mother's dissatisfaction

with the occupation becoming my

embarassment over my satisfaction...

***

...well, to be fair, they're almost always a cake day...i love his voice, their lyrics...their use of horns...not enough horns these days...maybe too many horns, eh? the devil's in the details? the devil's in nucleus...the devil's in all of us...so's jesus...or buddha...it's ALL in all of us...that's the tragedy of being human, eh? we KNOW what we seek, we KNOW where it is, we just can't seem to reach it...or even know how to get to it...like our own personal mordors, eh?

i hate dissecting....what good does it do in the end? if i don't try to fix anything...craziness...

COMMENTS

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Requiem
18:19 Sep 11 2011

I love that line, "like out own personal Mordors ..."





Too right, bubby. Too right.

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instead of coming into the light, get it? aw, no need to be so serious...i found myself, sadly, in the pages of steppenwolf...all that self-loathing...he says i just need to learn to live before i die...before i am a waking dead...stop the hatin', eh? them, me, the air...hate, so much hate and anger...no fuel for it, no wrongs, no slights i didn't inflict on myself or allow, so where does all that black come from? is it in my dna, my cellular programming? was i wronged in a previous life and i'm venting just now? and why does it seem like only really, really, really stupid sightless people are happy? that the best a thinking person can aspire to is to be content?

and why do i think i'm thinking?

COMMENTS

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skyrah
11:00 Sep 27 2011

hmm nice

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